on turning 44, cursed age.

25 March is always a dreaded date. I can’t explain this emotional storm but I guess if I could hide or disappear for a day this would be it. Maybe 20 January too but we’ll see next year. But 24 hours disappeared in a heartbeat, I picked myself up and self-loathe aside, the next day we packed our bags for a short staycation in the city. Pure unadulterated fun with family & friends.

Some photos from my beloved GRIII.

hey my superhero

My handsome rebellious dad would have been 77 today.

I’m ashamed to tell you that I’m a complete failure now, Baba. I’m sorry.

I know if you’re still around we would have gone for a long drive, you would have talked some sense into me and force me to think things through. Or maybe we’ll just sit in silence at PCB beach to catch the sunset or people watch at Dataran Merdeka because you’re always curious to know if other people are happier than us.

By the way, Imaan Ems inherited your Kelantanese temper and Idris is like us, forever lost in our thoughts. Either way, they are growing up well. Well enough I guess idk.

Miss you, miss you the most, Baba.

Al-Fatihah.

Yours, eternally.

#whendovescry

Aku Ingin by Sapardi Djoko Damono

Aku Ingin 

“Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu 

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada”

 

busy

 You were busy fucking her when I was losing my mind over my brother. 

 You were busy fucking her when I lost my job.

 You were busy fucking her when I thought I was failing as a mother, when I was actually failing as a wife.

You were busy fucking her when I was thinking about our, no, your financials.

 You were busy fucking her when...

wish

I wish I can go back to loving myself. At least to a time when I still can look at the mirror and not be repulsed by what I see. The failure that I've become. The empty shell that I am now.