I was watching this and suddenly remembered something -- didn't I used to meditate to this song? Winters ago, while nursing a broken heart, I took up yoga and did a lot of meditating. I remember the first few classes it was difficult for me to meditate -- for some unknown reason I was too afraid to clear my mind, I was too terrified of falling because the yoga teacher made us think of mountains, and rivers of clouds. I thought it was dumb, I don't want to die jumping off a cliff, and I didn't want to drown either.

Silly.

this sacrifice.

Hari Raya Qurban always reminds me of that particular year back while I was living alone in K metropolis. My beloved Danial was probably 13 or younger that time, and I made him go to the surau downstairs. "Perhaps they'll give you free meat", I said knowingly. How wrong I was. Danial waited and waited for the people there to give him some meat and they never did but he was too afraid to come home, worried that I might scold him for coming home empty-handed. When he got home he had tears in his eyes and kept saying sorry profusely to me.

 

I felt so bad for making Danial wait that long. I was watching him from the 7th floor, and he was there all the time. This boy would never disobey me, he has always been that good kid who'd do anything to make his loved ones happy.

 

I still miss him. I look at my kids and often wonder how Danial would love them unconditionally and how he'd be their 'abang' who they can look up to.

 

I miss my father too, I miss having a father figure who would tell me what's right and what's wrong, who probably will say Amy, you're moving too fast, you need to keep your feet on the ground. I miss having that superhero who is not afraid to fail and not reticent to show his weaknesses. The one who loves his Broery Marantika endlessly, the one who cooks up a storm in the kitchen eventhough there's nothing much too eat, the one who is stubborn but willing to listen, the list is an abyss...

 

How do people with this kind of emotional void in their heart move on with their lives? I am dying to know.