Milestone with the champ

My eldest and I hit another milestone yesterday. We mengaji together! Totally unexpected. But that's the thing with him lately, he grows up so fast in a blink of an eye. His voice is breaking soon, he's super attentive to his grandparents, and many more.

I pray that the boys will never break my heart. <3

random

I ask myself why am I being so hard on myself. But how can't I be. 

I can't even look at myself in the mirror right now.

The five stages of grief

 

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

There will be no acceptance, and I will stay in anger forever.

Day #4

random

 

 

I was watching a Thai cooking show on how to make the best tom yam goong. Not that I have any intention to cook tom yam anyways, it's just for the sake of watching a funny YouTube video. 

But here's something that I remember. My late dad hated tom yam. For someone who hails from East Coast it baffled me why does he hates tom yam so much?

Yeah random. But I don't want to lose any memory of the people I love. 

surgery and mama's birthday

I don't know what's the opposite of craniectomy but Aiman had his surgery today to put back a part of his skull today. I was not expecting we would get a date this soon and I guess I got used to seeing with his head sunken in by now. I was informed his surgery went well and now we brace for the second wave of his recovery. Or maybe catastrophe -- I don't know. Traumatic brain injury is a terrible thing, one moment you would think things are getting better. Then you wake up the next day you realise that this is nowhere near to recovery.

I am mentally and financially drained tbh but these days I am reminded by the people around me to not overthink, to let go and to let God. I've somewhat managed to control my anxiety through writing and photography (I've started film photography and it is so fun-- too bad we can't go out that much). Thai variety shows helps. Calling friends helps. Not giving a fuck helps. Writing with a fountain pen helps. Trying to be a better mother/spouse helps. On weekdays I have daily con call with an ex-colleague-turns-good-friend on Skype who happens to be working under the same bank. 

But enough about me. 

The thing is, I am never getting my old baby brother back.

So what's next? I honestly don't know. 
 

and so it begins

As my brother deteriorates, my biggest fear is coming true. Another lockdown in town and now I am at lost figuring out how to manage his hospital appointments, visiting hours etc. Didn't my sister once told me that no man is an island? Then why am I feeling helpless right now?

Remember, things are always easier said than done. As I struggle with my emotions. I am struggling with finding the right solutions, because nothing feels right for now. 

 

love thy be done

Truth is, I've been waiting for this to happen for so long and finally it did.

I'm sick and tired of managing my anxiety and crying over things that I can't control but I am glad I cried of happy tears at this happy ceremony. Sometimes He takes a while to grant my prayers I guess.

Zoo trip - Malaysia Day

We can continue to debate about the need for a zoo or how wrong zoos are but either way, my children needed to be out and it's a public holiday and the opportunity to hang out with my best friend and her family are hard to resist. 

Overheard: Kenapa kita kena tengok badak mandi?

Yay from Imaan.

No ordinary love

 

KB day trip

Went back to KB for a day trip to visit my ailing uncle. It was a long overdue trip, and I'm glad I got to do this with my sister and my eldest niece. The airport seems like a strange place and minimal crowd (KFC & PappaRich closed down at KLIA2 FYI).

Managed to squeeze in a lot of things in a day - kubur visit, food and food, pasar siti khadijah, visit relatives. All good. We stayed at the Grand River View Hotel and I requested for the river view room naturally. The hotel has seen better days, the corridors look like they came straight out of The Shining, the carpets smelled like 1977, the TV doesn't even work and so much more. Sigh.

Yati Ayam Percik remains my top place to go for their percik but their staff is rude af with zero skills on how to run a restaurant. Non-locals will leave empty handed or angry, whilst I, I don't know man, I just want to eat. My aunt said there are other places that are better than this place so maybe i'll give it a try next time. in December I hope! 

 See you again!

Update from yesterday

Nate, sorry for the late update. Was busy the whole day. Ardani is stable, and so far all the infective cultures came back as negative. But because of the severe brain injury, likely he’ll be in that semiconscious state for a long time. For now he will need the permanent tracheostomy tube (which usually tahan for 6 months with care), and nasal tube feeding. To prepare for care at home, kena ada ripple mattress, suction machine as well. Our nurses ada numbers for the sellers, can ask from them. Physiotherapy will have to be done by family members. Even with home care nurses, visit usually every 2 weeks.

I am so sorry. I wish i had better news.

2 weeks on

Every Sunday feels like reliving a nightmare all over again. it's been 2 weeks and we have started discussing long term palliative care for you, Man. Painful decisions had to be made but do know that whatever it is, we will make sure that you get the best care okay.

I hope you can hear our prayers. I cried so much for the past 2 days but I promise I'll be stronger for you.

Ardani Aiman bin Mohamed

And this page remains unwritten...

I thought I've gone through the darkest days of my life but 12 July is the worst day of my life.

Wake up soon baby brother. Kak Amy is waiting for you. We all are. 

Safe to say that I have a favorite plant shop near my house and now that I am slowly reconnecting with my friends, potted plants make a good gift.  

Brunch at Jibby&Co

I can safely say that today is the first time the 4 of us dined outside. The feeling is not the same because I'm only thinking about going home and silently judging people who are not wearing masks. But I try to console myself - let them be, what matters is I protect myself and my family first. 

Another thing, we've been experimenting with cooking and now it feels like there's really no point of dining out anymore. :)

ricoh gr3

Met this pretty young thing at a friend's house recently. Such a joy to shoot a willing cat. 

two sons' chili and cream clams!

I hate it when I see a recipe that I want to try and then the cook will say "agak-agak". Agak-agak my foot! But surprisingly this family favorite is relatively easy to cook - butter, cooking cream, garlic, paprika (but I ended up using cheyenne powder), curry leaves, chicken broth then agak2 lah the taste! *roll eyes* But I added cili padi for good measure.

Yum! Pair it with Roy's garlic bread, wallah! After this we don't need to go to Two Sons anymore - tbh I'm only gonna start eating at restaurants in 2021, I am that  paranoid. As I'm typing this I have chicken stew brewing in the oven. Trying to replicate the taste of Albanian chicken stew from uni days. Yeah let's not deny the fact that I hated uni but nobody forgets a good chicken stew. 

Selamat mencuba! 

stuff we bought during MCO

Oh man I should have documented stuff I bought during MCO (and still buying). Funny our apartment guards recognize us now because we are always buying things! Like, I don't even have them the number of our apartment anymore.

Yesterday my orders from Uniqlo arrived (Marimekko and Billie Eilish x Takashi Pom!) and today my new power bank came. Both of our existing power banks decided to die recently - together! - maybe they were underutilized?

Next up in the wish list is durian. Sweet savory durians. Hmm...

Today my husband brought home 3 whole chickens. "They're uncut", he said.

It's okay, I said.

It's really okay because during the beginning of MCO, I learned how to cut a whole chicken via YouTube (like everything else I learned these days).

But I'm also reminded of that time when my late dad bought me a whole chicken (I was in my teens) and told me to cut it myself. How else are you going to learn, he said. Of course after much struggling I butchered the poor chicken and he pretended to enjoy the fried chicken I made for him. My precious father, always in support of whatever I do.

MCO thoughts:

Missing the cafe scene, just enjoying freshly brewed coffee with colleagues, family or friends.

tanah dan langit

There is a Hamka quote that's been going around lately.

Manusia asalnya daripada tanah,

Makan hasil tanah, 

Berdiri di atas tanah, 

Akan kembali ke tanah.

Kenapa masih bersifat langit?