25 March is always a dreaded date. I can’t explain this emotional storm but I guess if I could hide or disappear for a day this would be it. Maybe 20 January too but we’ll see next year. But 24 hours disappeared in a heartbeat, I picked myself up and self-loathe aside, the next day we packed our bags for a short staycation in the city. Pure unadulterated fun with family & friends.
Some photos from my beloved GRIII.
My handsome rebellious dad would have been 77 today.
Aku Ingin
“Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu
Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada”
You were busy fucking her when I was losing my mind over my brother.
You were busy fucking her when I lost my job.
You were busy fucking her when I thought I was failing as a mother, when I was actually failing as a wife.
You were busy fucking her when I was thinking about our, no, your financials.
You were busy fucking her when...
I wish I can go back to loving myself. At least to a time when I still can look at the mirror and not be repulsed by what I see. The failure that I've become. The empty shell that I am now.
I pray that the boys will never break my heart. <3
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance
There will be no acceptance, and I will stay in anger forever.
Day #4
But here's something that I remember. My late dad hated tom yam. For someone who hails from East Coast it baffled me why does he hates tom yam so much?
Yeah random. But I don't want to lose any memory of the people I love.
I am mentally and financially drained tbh but these days I am reminded by the people around me to not overthink, to let go and to let God. I've somewhat managed to control my anxiety through writing and photography (I've started film photography and it is so fun-- too bad we can't go out that much). Thai variety shows helps. Calling friends helps. Not giving a fuck helps. Writing with a fountain pen helps. Trying to be a better mother/spouse helps. On weekdays I have daily con call with an ex-colleague-turns-good-friend on Skype who happens to be working under the same bank.
But enough about me.
The thing is, I am never getting my old baby brother back.
So what's next? I honestly don't know.
As my brother deteriorates, my biggest fear is coming true. Another lockdown in town and now I am at lost figuring out how to manage his hospital appointments, visiting hours etc. Didn't my sister once told me that no man is an island? Then why am I feeling helpless right now?
Remember, things are always easier said than done. As I struggle with my emotions. I am struggling with finding the right solutions, because nothing feels right for now.
I'm sick and tired of managing my anxiety and crying over things that I can't control but I am glad I cried of happy tears at this happy ceremony. Sometimes He takes a while to grant my prayers I guess.
We can continue to debate about the need for a zoo or how wrong zoos are but either way, my children needed to be out and it's a public holiday and the opportunity to hang out with my best friend and her family are hard to resist.
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| Overheard: Kenapa kita kena tengok badak mandi? |
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| Yay from Imaan. |
Managed to squeeze in a lot of things in a day - kubur visit, food and food, pasar siti khadijah, visit relatives. All good. We stayed at the Grand River View Hotel and I requested for the river view room naturally. The hotel has seen better days, the corridors look like they came straight out of The Shining, the carpets smelled like 1977, the TV doesn't even work and so much more. Sigh.
Yati Ayam Percik remains my top place to go for their percik but their staff is rude af with zero skills on how to run a restaurant. Non-locals will leave empty handed or angry, whilst I, I don't know man, I just want to eat. My aunt said there are other places that are better than this place so maybe i'll give it a try next time. in December I hope!
