hey my superhero

My handsome rebellious dad would have been 77 today.

I’m ashamed to tell you that I’m a complete failure now, Baba. I’m sorry.

I know if you’re still around we would have gone for a long drive, you would have talked some sense into me and force me to think things through. Or maybe we’ll just sit in silence at PCB beach to catch the sunset or people watch at Dataran Merdeka because you’re always curious to know if other people are happier than us.

By the way, Imaan Ems inherited your Kelantanese temper and Idris is like us, forever lost in our thoughts. Either way, they are growing up well. Well enough I guess idk.

Miss you, miss you the most, Baba.

Al-Fatihah.

Yours, eternally.

#whendovescry

Aku Ingin by Sapardi Djoko Damono

Aku Ingin 

“Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu 

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada”

 

busy

 You were busy fucking her when I was losing my mind over my brother. 

 You were busy fucking her when I lost my job.

 You were busy fucking her when I thought I was failing as a mother, when I was actually failing as a wife.

You were busy fucking her when I was thinking about our, no, your financials.

 You were busy fucking her when...

wish

I wish I can go back to loving myself. At least to a time when I still can look at the mirror and not be repulsed by what I see. The failure that I've become. The empty shell that I am now. 

Milestone with the champ

My eldest and I hit another milestone yesterday. We mengaji together! Totally unexpected. But that's the thing with him lately, he grows up so fast in a blink of an eye. His voice is breaking soon, he's super attentive to his grandparents, and many more.

I pray that the boys will never break my heart. <3

random

I ask myself why am I being so hard on myself. But how can't I be. 

I can't even look at myself in the mirror right now.

The five stages of grief

 

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

There will be no acceptance, and I will stay in anger forever.

Day #4

random

 

 

I was watching a Thai cooking show on how to make the best tom yam goong. Not that I have any intention to cook tom yam anyways, it's just for the sake of watching a funny YouTube video. 

But here's something that I remember. My late dad hated tom yam. For someone who hails from East Coast it baffled me why does he hates tom yam so much?

Yeah random. But I don't want to lose any memory of the people I love. 

surgery and mama's birthday

I don't know what's the opposite of craniectomy but Aiman had his surgery today to put back a part of his skull today. I was not expecting we would get a date this soon and I guess I got used to seeing with his head sunken in by now. I was informed his surgery went well and now we brace for the second wave of his recovery. Or maybe catastrophe -- I don't know. Traumatic brain injury is a terrible thing, one moment you would think things are getting better. Then you wake up the next day you realise that this is nowhere near to recovery.

I am mentally and financially drained tbh but these days I am reminded by the people around me to not overthink, to let go and to let God. I've somewhat managed to control my anxiety through writing and photography (I've started film photography and it is so fun-- too bad we can't go out that much). Thai variety shows helps. Calling friends helps. Not giving a fuck helps. Writing with a fountain pen helps. Trying to be a better mother/spouse helps. On weekdays I have daily con call with an ex-colleague-turns-good-friend on Skype who happens to be working under the same bank. 

But enough about me. 

The thing is, I am never getting my old baby brother back.

So what's next? I honestly don't know. 
 

and so it begins

As my brother deteriorates, my biggest fear is coming true. Another lockdown in town and now I am at lost figuring out how to manage his hospital appointments, visiting hours etc. Didn't my sister once told me that no man is an island? Then why am I feeling helpless right now?

Remember, things are always easier said than done. As I struggle with my emotions. I am struggling with finding the right solutions, because nothing feels right for now. 

 

love thy be done

Truth is, I've been waiting for this to happen for so long and finally it did.

I'm sick and tired of managing my anxiety and crying over things that I can't control but I am glad I cried of happy tears at this happy ceremony. Sometimes He takes a while to grant my prayers I guess.

Zoo trip - Malaysia Day

We can continue to debate about the need for a zoo or how wrong zoos are but either way, my children needed to be out and it's a public holiday and the opportunity to hang out with my best friend and her family are hard to resist. 

Overheard: Kenapa kita kena tengok badak mandi?

Yay from Imaan.

No ordinary love

 

KB day trip

Went back to KB for a day trip to visit my ailing uncle. It was a long overdue trip, and I'm glad I got to do this with my sister and my eldest niece. The airport seems like a strange place and minimal crowd (KFC & PappaRich closed down at KLIA2 FYI).

Managed to squeeze in a lot of things in a day - kubur visit, food and food, pasar siti khadijah, visit relatives. All good. We stayed at the Grand River View Hotel and I requested for the river view room naturally. The hotel has seen better days, the corridors look like they came straight out of The Shining, the carpets smelled like 1977, the TV doesn't even work and so much more. Sigh.

Yati Ayam Percik remains my top place to go for their percik but their staff is rude af with zero skills on how to run a restaurant. Non-locals will leave empty handed or angry, whilst I, I don't know man, I just want to eat. My aunt said there are other places that are better than this place so maybe i'll give it a try next time. in December I hope! 

 See you again!

Update from yesterday

Nate, sorry for the late update. Was busy the whole day. Ardani is stable, and so far all the infective cultures came back as negative. But because of the severe brain injury, likely he’ll be in that semiconscious state for a long time. For now he will need the permanent tracheostomy tube (which usually tahan for 6 months with care), and nasal tube feeding. To prepare for care at home, kena ada ripple mattress, suction machine as well. Our nurses ada numbers for the sellers, can ask from them. Physiotherapy will have to be done by family members. Even with home care nurses, visit usually every 2 weeks.

I am so sorry. I wish i had better news.

2 weeks on

Every Sunday feels like reliving a nightmare all over again. it's been 2 weeks and we have started discussing long term palliative care for you, Man. Painful decisions had to be made but do know that whatever it is, we will make sure that you get the best care okay.

I hope you can hear our prayers. I cried so much for the past 2 days but I promise I'll be stronger for you.

Ardani Aiman bin Mohamed

And this page remains unwritten...

I thought I've gone through the darkest days of my life but 12 July is the worst day of my life.

Wake up soon baby brother. Kak Amy is waiting for you. We all are. 

Safe to say that I have a favorite plant shop near my house and now that I am slowly reconnecting with my friends, potted plants make a good gift.  

Brunch at Jibby&Co

I can safely say that today is the first time the 4 of us dined outside. The feeling is not the same because I'm only thinking about going home and silently judging people who are not wearing masks. But I try to console myself - let them be, what matters is I protect myself and my family first. 

Another thing, we've been experimenting with cooking and now it feels like there's really no point of dining out anymore. :)

ricoh gr3

Met this pretty young thing at a friend's house recently. Such a joy to shoot a willing cat.