a good age

 

Alhamdulillah. Perhaps turning 45 is not bad after all. Masih disayangi. Masih terus dihargai.

On your birthday

Happy birthday Fajar Aidu Abdul Talib.

Pejam celik sudah hampir setahun you hancurkan hidup I. But I'm sure you know that already, you read my text few months back kan?

On your birthday, I doakan you bahagia selalu dan dilapangkan hati you agar you memahami that the damage you have caused cannot be undone. Maybe one day when I'm mature and sane enough we'll have a chat over coffee so that you can tell me everything. Why him. Why me.

I doakan you akan berkahwin suatu hari nanti (dengan sang bujang okay, jangan rampas suami orang lagi tau?) you akan faham how hard it is to be a wife. Sure you'll take things for granted sampai it's too late to fix things but I hope you will find a man who will love you unconditionally. Someone who love you more than his phone (oops mungkin dia sibuk bekerja). Someone yang akan faham you -- like how you always cut people out when you're mad. That you're fiercely independent. You know, things like that. 

On your birthday today, fahami this. I had loved you unconditionally. I still never got a satisfying answer from him on why he chose you over me, but I guess it's his choice. 

Happy new year! Oh save the date. 20 January 2022. My first heartbreak anniversary.

Thanks to you!

xx, N.

p/s: Tak yah risau lah I post kat sini. Nobody reads this space. And I'm not about to go on TikTok with all the receipts. But I do hope when you google your name one day, you'll get to read this. Cheers!  

jkt

Photos from 6 years ago in JKT emerged on my IG. THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE BACK TO IG.

This was the year my bestfriend and I fell out out. I went to JKT and lived my live until 2021 without a clue that you would sleep with her (oh multiple times?). Without a clue that you have been on her side, not mine. And I couldn't stop thinking about this - you gave me physical space not because you respected my request as a good husband, but because you can always go to her.

Just need to get this out of my chest. Please don't hate me for writing about it here. I can't afford a therapist. 

korban

Couldn't sleep and it's 3am in the morning. The heat is unbearable these days. As I lay in my marital bed thinking if I should force myself to sleep or read, I forced myself to get up instead. Washed the dishes and turned on YouTube to watch some Korean vlogs. I like watching them, they're so aesthetically pleasing but I can't imagine the amount of time they spent just filming and editing.  

Now I'm googling for Korean freezer containers and cooking pans. Drats. 

Question, those who got their heart broken, does it pains you to see your old photos? Especially photos of the time you thought you're at your happiest but when you think about it again, this was also the exact time when your happiness was being ripped apart without you even knowing it? And by now, it's already too late. 

Hari Raya Korban this year brings a whole new meaning altogether. It is unsavory, but you can either choose to fight this battle or resign to fate altogether. Anyways, off to bed. Gonna check out some of the useless things in my Shopee cart - an Apple pen, more stickers, some Nordic home decors, pants for the boys of the list is endless.

Book update: A Little Life is slowly and sure draining my emotions. 

Random

Typing this from a tiny keyboard I bought from China for my new iPad mini. Maybe I’ll buy an Apple pen next. Ah the joy of material things - often short lived yet so pleasing.

Anyways, some updates:

Current fave song: Dope Lovers - DPR Ian. I love this song so much I actually got She's vibin, no compass engraved on the iPad.

Currently reading: A Little Life. Who doesn’t know this book?? I was googling for the characters list and somewhat unwillingly gave myself the spoiler. I mean I know this book is sad af but I was not expecting xxx will xxx. :(

Currently feeling: I don’t know, you want to tell me instead? How are YOU feeling?

Currently watching: Young Royals on repeat. Masterchef Legends. Those long assed titles telemovies from Rania.

Bye.

mok said

 if there's one thing that i will always remember what my grandma said, it's sit straight don't slouch.

not sure why this came to mind tonight. 

But I still fucking love you babe

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that poem about me  

mencari ruang

 

on turning 44, cursed age.

25 March is always a dreaded date. I can’t explain this emotional storm but I guess if I could hide or disappear for a day this would be it. Maybe 20 January too but we’ll see next year. But 24 hours disappeared in a heartbeat, I picked myself up and self-loathe aside, the next day we packed our bags for a short staycation in the city. Pure unadulterated fun with family & friends.

Some photos from my beloved GRIII.

hey my superhero

My handsome rebellious dad would have been 77 today.

I’m ashamed to tell you that I’m a complete failure now, Baba. I’m sorry.

I know if you’re still around we would have gone for a long drive, you would have talked some sense into me and force me to think things through. Or maybe we’ll just sit in silence at PCB beach to catch the sunset or people watch at Dataran Merdeka because you’re always curious to know if other people are happier than us.

By the way, Imaan Ems inherited your Kelantanese temper and Idris is like us, forever lost in our thoughts. Either way, they are growing up well. Well enough I guess idk.

Miss you, miss you the most, Baba.

Al-Fatihah.

Yours, eternally.

#whendovescry

Aku Ingin by Sapardi Djoko Damono

Aku Ingin 

“Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu 

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada”

 

busy

 You were busy fucking her when I was losing my mind over my brother. 

 You were busy fucking her when I lost my job.

 You were busy fucking her when I thought I was failing as a mother, when I was actually failing as a wife.

You were busy fucking her when I was thinking about our, no, your financials.

 You were busy fucking her when...

wish

I wish I can go back to loving myself. At least to a time when I still can look at the mirror and not be repulsed by what I see. The failure that I've become. The empty shell that I am now. 

Milestone with the champ

My eldest and I hit another milestone yesterday. We mengaji together! Totally unexpected. But that's the thing with him lately, he grows up so fast in a blink of an eye. His voice is breaking soon, he's super attentive to his grandparents, and many more.

I pray that the boys will never break my heart. <3

random

I ask myself why am I being so hard on myself. But how can't I be. 

I can't even look at myself in the mirror right now.

The five stages of grief

 

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

There will be no acceptance, and I will stay in anger forever.

Day #4

random

 

 

I was watching a Thai cooking show on how to make the best tom yam goong. Not that I have any intention to cook tom yam anyways, it's just for the sake of watching a funny YouTube video. 

But here's something that I remember. My late dad hated tom yam. For someone who hails from East Coast it baffled me why does he hates tom yam so much?

Yeah random. But I don't want to lose any memory of the people I love. 

surgery and mama's birthday

I don't know what's the opposite of craniectomy but Aiman had his surgery today to put back a part of his skull today. I was not expecting we would get a date this soon and I guess I got used to seeing with his head sunken in by now. I was informed his surgery went well and now we brace for the second wave of his recovery. Or maybe catastrophe -- I don't know. Traumatic brain injury is a terrible thing, one moment you would think things are getting better. Then you wake up the next day you realise that this is nowhere near to recovery.

I am mentally and financially drained tbh but these days I am reminded by the people around me to not overthink, to let go and to let God. I've somewhat managed to control my anxiety through writing and photography (I've started film photography and it is so fun-- too bad we can't go out that much). Thai variety shows helps. Calling friends helps. Not giving a fuck helps. Writing with a fountain pen helps. Trying to be a better mother/spouse helps. On weekdays I have daily con call with an ex-colleague-turns-good-friend on Skype who happens to be working under the same bank. 

But enough about me. 

The thing is, I am never getting my old baby brother back.

So what's next? I honestly don't know. 
 

and so it begins

As my brother deteriorates, my biggest fear is coming true. Another lockdown in town and now I am at lost figuring out how to manage his hospital appointments, visiting hours etc. Didn't my sister once told me that no man is an island? Then why am I feeling helpless right now?

Remember, things are always easier said than done. As I struggle with my emotions. I am struggling with finding the right solutions, because nothing feels right for now. 

 

love thy be done

Truth is, I've been waiting for this to happen for so long and finally it did.

I'm sick and tired of managing my anxiety and crying over things that I can't control but I am glad I cried of happy tears at this happy ceremony. Sometimes He takes a while to grant my prayers I guess.