a good age

 

Alhamdulillah. Perhaps turning 45 is not bad after all. Masih disayangi. Masih terus dihargai.

On your birthday

Happy birthday Fajar Aidu Abdul Talib.

Pejam celik sudah hampir setahun you hancurkan hidup I. But I'm sure you know that already, you read my text few months back kan?

On your birthday, I doakan you bahagia selalu dan dilapangkan hati you agar you memahami that the damage you have caused cannot be undone. Maybe one day when I'm mature and sane enough we'll have a chat over coffee so that you can tell me everything. Why him. Why me.

I doakan you akan berkahwin suatu hari nanti (dengan sang bujang okay, jangan rampas suami orang lagi tau?) you akan faham how hard it is to be a wife. Sure you'll take things for granted sampai it's too late to fix things but I hope you will find a man who will love you unconditionally. Someone who love you more than his phone (oops mungkin dia sibuk bekerja). Someone yang akan faham you -- like how you always cut people out when you're mad. That you're fiercely independent. You know, things like that. 

On your birthday today, fahami this. I had loved you unconditionally. I still never got a satisfying answer from him on why he chose you over me, but I guess it's his choice. 

Happy new year! Oh save the date. 20 January 2022. My first heartbreak anniversary.

Thanks to you!

xx, N.

p/s: Tak yah risau lah I post kat sini. Nobody reads this space. And I'm not about to go on TikTok with all the receipts. But I do hope when you google your name one day, you'll get to read this. Cheers!  

jkt

Photos from 6 years ago in JKT emerged on my IG. THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE BACK TO IG.

This was the year my bestfriend and I fell out out. I went to JKT and lived my live until 2021 without a clue that you would sleep with her (oh multiple times?). Without a clue that you have been on her side, not mine. And I couldn't stop thinking about this - you gave me physical space not because you respected my request as a good husband, but because you can always go to her.

Just need to get this out of my chest. Please don't hate me for writing about it here. I can't afford a therapist. 

korban

Couldn't sleep and it's 3am in the morning. The heat is unbearable these days. As I lay in my marital bed thinking if I should force myself to sleep or read, I forced myself to get up instead. Washed the dishes and turned on YouTube to watch some Korean vlogs. I like watching them, they're so aesthetically pleasing but I can't imagine the amount of time they spent just filming and editing.  

Now I'm googling for Korean freezer containers and cooking pans. Drats. 

Question, those who got their heart broken, does it pains you to see your old photos? Especially photos of the time you thought you're at your happiest but when you think about it again, this was also the exact time when your happiness was being ripped apart without you even knowing it? And by now, it's already too late. 

Hari Raya Korban this year brings a whole new meaning altogether. It is unsavory, but you can either choose to fight this battle or resign to fate altogether. Anyways, off to bed. Gonna check out some of the useless things in my Shopee cart - an Apple pen, more stickers, some Nordic home decors, pants for the boys of the list is endless.

Book update: A Little Life is slowly and sure draining my emotions. 

Random

Typing this from a tiny keyboard I bought from China for my new iPad mini. Maybe I’ll buy an Apple pen next. Ah the joy of material things - often short lived yet so pleasing.

Anyways, some updates:

Current fave song: Dope Lovers - DPR Ian. I love this song so much I actually got She's vibin, no compass engraved on the iPad.

Currently reading: A Little Life. Who doesn’t know this book?? I was googling for the characters list and somewhat unwillingly gave myself the spoiler. I mean I know this book is sad af but I was not expecting xxx will xxx. :(

Currently feeling: I don’t know, you want to tell me instead? How are YOU feeling?

Currently watching: Young Royals on repeat. Masterchef Legends. Those long assed titles telemovies from Rania.

Bye.

mok said

 if there's one thing that i will always remember what my grandma said, it's sit straight don't slouch.

not sure why this came to mind tonight. 

But I still fucking love you babe

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that poem about me